I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
