mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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