Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
