i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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