I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize