I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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