She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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