After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
