we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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