My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
