He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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