god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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