Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
