When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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