Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
