It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
