They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
