Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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