hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
