Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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