thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
