I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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