Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
