my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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