nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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