My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
