i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
