I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
