That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Floor bacon is actually really good
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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