I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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