I wish I only lived at night.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
