I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
