Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
