i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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