My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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