a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
