You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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