i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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