If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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