Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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