And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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