Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
