I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
3pm strippers are depressing
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
