its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
