Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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