I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
from now on my penis is your penis
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
