i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
