Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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