does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize