Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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