the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
