I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
