Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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