I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
