They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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