my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize