I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
