I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
