now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
