I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
