What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
