why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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