Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
