She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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