i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize