textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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