I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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