i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
